LOVE - the overrated Commodity?

Love: are we looking for an overrated commodity here?

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

Erich Segal

Love, well and truly has different connotations: love for oneself, love for your dogs, love for your children.... and LOVE for that special person (it can be more than once where you could have found that special person in different persons) who made you understand and fulfilled your need for LOVE....So as a starter, let me narrow the scope of this blog on that special love or only to that special relationship, otherwise this blog would not get any where. 

I chose the Erich Segal quote as he wrote the greatest “Love Story”... do not take me seriously on what I say about Mr. Segal! On the same note, please do not take me seriously, as you read this blog, otherwise I may loose some friends ...because most probably you will not love my discourse on “Love”

First and foremost I have nothing against love, my only discordance about it is that we (and that includes me) attach too much importance to the word Love. Without love we feel let down, we feel there is a part of life which is completely barren and everything in life is incomplete. 

Been in love is great, it gives you additional energy that you are alive, you look forward to get out that special moment where you are completely immersed with your loved one. Indeed it is so beautiful that it creates a beautiful music to our lives at that point of time. It’s about those moments when you seem to be in perfect harmony with everything which is around you!!! All I am saying is that I am in absolute agreement that when love is there around you, you are in a mode of ecstasy..... (again an exaggeration.... but you have the right to feel some where there if not exactly there)....

But my blog scope is about the stage where there is “no love” which translates to you do not have that special person to have that special relationship of been in ‘love’.... you can be married, staying together etc. (Satisfies the condition you have the special person) etc. But that does not necessarily imply that you are in love.... because many a times been together does not necessary imply your relationship is still ‘special’ to you.

Now in such a state, can you be happy? Can you be complete, can you not be pining for that part which is not complete? I have passed through all these phases and now I feel, we make a Big Deal of love (and that’s why I like the quote above)...and we can be equal if not at a higher state of happiness, fulfilment and completeness without having the luxury of having that special relationship. 

How is this even true you may ask? So let me try and explain logically (logically explain matters of emotion... you may be asking and questioning my sanity, but that’s ok)....Let’s ask some fundamental questions on what this so called ‘special relationship’ gives us. One of the first thing people would say I have a feeling of belonging.... I feel this sense of belonging is kindly of contradictory to our other need of been independent. So there is a constant tussle between these two opposing forces: To belong to someone and at the same time be independent. Off course if we can hit the exact balance where the pull of belonging equals to that of independence - we will be in Nirvana, but here as well, just as in Physics, the equilibrium is always momentary. Rest of the time is the miserable struggle brought about by the imbalance of these forces. Since the relationship got over for me, it took me quite some time, maybe more than half a decade, to experience independence without pining for that belongingness. I realised I have much less stress because the tug of war does not exist any more..... and as this sense grew more and more, and as I started to be more independent, I realised possibly the need to belong to myself is more important to me.... as it kind of frees up my soul from the bondage of belonging to some one else. I have used some very strong words, but that is just to accentuate what we feel from time to time.... now my biggest question is that, is this transition which I passed through only applicable to me, or is it generic ? (Because we all are very different, hence our needs, our feeling etc. are very different). I would say my analysis states that my transition is largely true and would apply to other people as well, if not ALL people, because as history shows, the need to be independent and free is a very common need amongst all kinds of people. Next question is can we be independent and also be in love, I am sure that is always possible and all successful relationships would show that trait.... but it’s a difficult one, and hence we have less of those success stories.....

Very frequently when you are not in a relationship (in its true meaning) you pine for the companionship— that company of going to a movie together, shopping together and even one of the greatest one is not having the special person to share both the good and the bad.... can this be substituted through the many other relationships we have around us? My answer is a large part can be substituted and not all of it. A Gap would definitely exist and you will at the least pine for that gap to be fulfilled.....

I would say it’s not the same, but it’s nearly the same, and thus recommend that you see the positive side of the situation you are in.... since you are not bound to any particular person to see a movie, you can do it yourself or at least with a friend who has similar tastes.... you will not miss the movie because your partner is travelling and thus you cannot see till she/ he comes back. It’s obviously not the same experience to see with a friend (alone possibly maybe even worst), but frequently missing movies which you want to see, on the other hand may lead to stress due to your ‘belonging’ syndrome. This applies for most of the things mentioned or not mentioned, but I tend to agree there are certain things where there is no substitute available, and it would be indeed great if we had that perfect partner with whom we can share and do things together. 

Now in life all is not perfect.....so when we are not in that perfect situation are we lost? That is where I would tend to disagree with most. We may have that ‘gap’ but if you really do look hard there are positives to that Gap. So make the best of your current situation and always do not feel that all is lost!!

To conclude, I am not even hinting at that we should not look for the ‘perfect one’... my view is that we spend too much of energy looking very hard and trying to retrofit for that perfect love. Instead, which ever state we are in, its better to enjoy that state, and if we do find the perfect one, its great... and if we do not find it - its as great, because both the state has its own good and its bad part. I sometimes feel there are so many stories of stories/movies/song etc. on love is because its not an easy commodity to find, and thus I feel its rather over rated that you have to find that perfect love. Enjoy while you are without that perfect love, enjoy the state of trying to figure out the perfect love and also enjoy the state of been in perfect love, while it lasts. So in summary, enjoy and be at peace with yourself in which ever state you are in... as there are not perfect state, and even if there is a perfect state it does not last forever....